God, I want to stand before You, and tell You how much I love You; but right now I can't find strength to get up off my knees. Thoughts are racing through my mind, and I try to make them make sense. Then my eyes fill with tears and they spill down my face as I realize You already know every thought going through my mind. So these emotions and thoughts don't have to make sense to me for You to understand. Humbly I sit before You and let what I feel like is nothing but a mumble-jumble mess come from my heart and pour out of my mouth...
God, I feel so lost, so confused, and unsure, of, why?! I don't know what I'm suppose to do with this, and waiting on You to show me is HARD. And I know deep down that it was and is for a specific purpose and meaning... So, help me to let it be okay, help me to know I don't have to understand why, or what I'm to do with it, because it's purpose will be fulfilled. And God, I'm hurting. Both physically and emotionally. I feel like I'm falling apart. I miss my best friend, he comes to mind many times a day. I wonder, What jokes would he play on me today? Would we still go for rides in his truck? Would we still hide Grandmother's keys and watch her search the whole house while we laughed?? And the past 9 1/2 months have flown by, it is so hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that Granddaddy is really gone. My selfish, human nature wants them both back here with me. No matter how much I wish they were here, and how wrong it feels to just go on with life without them, I know if I were given the chance to bring them back, I wouldn't do it. I may be selfish at times, but I love them too much to bring them back to this sin infested earth. So I'll wait for the day we can be together again, with You.
And so, even though my heart contains confusion, uncertainty, hurt, bitterness, selfishness, and grief; it also contains love, happiness, joy, adoration, awe, and appreciation. It is so good to know that You and only You can take the mumble-jumble contents of my heart and put them together perfectly. Into the masterpiece You created, me... Thank You God for never giving up on me!
