I think enough time has passed that I can write this more easily, with more smiles than tears. We’ll see…
On Sunday March 21, 2010 it will be the 3 month mark since my ^Granddaddy^ went to live with Jesus. Most days it feels like it has been centuries since I was able to see him, talk to him, or hold his hand; but there are days when it seems like only yesterday I was sitting up at the hospital in Gadsden right next to him. Holding his hand, watching him struggle and fight for every breath. My family and I had spent most of the days from the past few weeks up there, and we were all exhausted, yet somehow we found strength to make it through another day, to make another drive to Gadsden. GOD. As I sat in his hospital room that day with each passing second it felt like another part of me was being broken to pieces. And as the minutes turned to hours it took EVERYTHING I had in me to hold myself somewhat together. For some reason, I have no idea why, I have always felt that I HAD to be the strong one, because if I didn’t, then who would be? That’s silly, I know, but I really did think that. So whenever I would feel a tear sliding down my face I would brush it away quickly, hoping that no one would see. I sat next to his bed, with his hand in mine tracing his veins with my finger like I did when I was little; praying that God would hold me tight, keeping me from falling apart. As that afternoon made its way into evening my prayer changed in a way. I still needed God to hold me together, but I needed to feel His peace inside. Around 5ish that evening I started preparing myself to leave, I had this weird feeling in me I guess it was God telling me to say what I needed to say to my ^Granddaddy^ before I left that day. I didn’t want him to keep suffering, but I wasn’t ready to let go just yet. So when 5:30 rolled around, I knew I needed to leave so that I wouldn’t have to drive in a lot of traffic… I rubbed the back of his hand, leaned over and with tears streaming down my face I whispered, “I love you Granddaddy! We have each other; God’s going to get us through. You don’t have to hold on anymore, it’s okay for you to go, we will all be okay. I’ll see you again soon someday. I love you!” And whether it was just my imagination or it really happened, it felt like he, ever so gently squeezed my hand. I knew then that whatever the outcome I WOULD be okay. I had hope and I had peace. The drive home was mostly quiet with random outbursts of questions, like “Why, God? I don’t understand”… and others of that nature. It was quiet around our house that night. Somehow I managed to make myself eat a little something before I went to bed. I couldn’t fall asleep, so I was texting my cousin, Rhiannon for a long time then continued to just lay there. Around midnight I heard someone moving around in the kitchen or living room… then they came down the hall, that’s when my tears started again. Daddy opened my door and I knew before he even said anything, but he still said it anyway confirming what I had hoped to be a wrong feeling. Daddy, Momma, and I sat there on my bed hugging and crying. Momma rubbing my hair, and Daddy holding me tight. My brothers had stayed the night with my Grandmother. The next few days were very busy…
December 22 (Tuesday) was spent at my Grandparents’ house, with lots of family coming and going, people bringing food, and many phone calls. Even though there were lots of people in and out of the house, there was a noticeable quietness, and heaviness that seemed to be pressing down on us. We were looking through pictures looking for some to put on the remembrance c.d that was to be played during the viewing and funeral. I had so many things going through my head that day, I wanted to be by myself, but I didn’t want to be alone, I needed people around, but I didn’t want the attention or the “so sorry’s” that always come with the death of a person. I don’t mean to sound rude by saying this, but it’s just me… It kinda confuses me when people say, “I’m so sorry, I don’t know what to say” then keep talking for like 5 minutes about not knowing what to say. Personally I’d rather just have people around, willing to just sit with me, or hug me or something; you don’t have to say anything. Because to me, when someone grieves over the loss of a person there really isn’t anything anyone can tell them that will help or that they don’t already know. Maybe it’s just me, I don’t know but have you ever really thought about it? A person can come up with the most profound thing to say, or have the best intentions in the world, but I haven’t heard anything that brings much comfort that I didn’t already know. Again, not meaning to sound rude, that’s just me and how I feel about it. I find much more comfort in someone willing to just sit with me and hug me, cry with me, laugh with me… True comfort comes from the peace that God gives, and only when I feel that peace will I truly feel the comfort… December 23, another day spent at my Grandparent’s house, full of people coming and going, bringing food, cards, and phone calls. I spent most of that day praying asking God to give me the strength to make it through that night. The viewing was that night; our family met there that night and the looks on everyone’s face was uniquely the same. Walking into the room in the funeral home, and seeing ^Granddaddy^ just laying there, lifeless, but peaceful brought on the tears again. Standing there looking at him just lying in that “ole pine box” I knew that ^Granddaddy^ was finally Home, free from disease, hurt, pain, suffering, and was resting comfortably in the arms of The Healer! SO many people came that night, most of them I didn’t know, but I believe that everyone that came did so with love. Thanks to all those who made me smile, laugh, and cry that night, I really do appreciate it! When the last of the people left, and it was just family again, we just stood there in clusters of 2 or 3 with arms around each other. Breezy, Grandmother, and I were standing together tears in all 6 eyes… She hugged us both and then said the sweetest yet most heart breaking thing I think I have EVER heard!!! She said, “Can’t we take him with us? I just hate to leave him.” Tears streaming down her face, and her words very sincere and full of love. Whatever part of my heart that somehow managed to stay together, definitely broke into pieces then. Though, I’m sure when a couple has been married for 59 years it really would be hard for one to be away from the other… December 24, Christmas Eve, usually a day that anyone would be excited about though for us it was one filled with sadness, hurt, and many more tears. The small service at the church was pretty much packed with love, honor, and compassion for a man who touched many lives in his 81 years of life. And the grave side service was the second one I had ever been to, so it was a still new concept for me… December 25, Christmas Day, was as normal as we could get it considering the circumstances. In some ways it was like a normal Christmas day for us, filled with family time, going going going, smiles, and laughter. But it was also filled with a LOT of quiet moments that are very rare for our family. Even though it was very different, it was a good day overall…
I’ve been told, and I believe that I have been blessed with a passion and the heart to help people. I can’t stand to see people hurting, sad, sick, or suffering, it makes me hurt for them, especially someone that I love. I’ll do anything that I can to help someone. Something that I’ve only told one person, is that every day while ^Granddaddy^ was in the hospital, and every day after that I had this thought in my heart and in my mind. “I wish I could/could have take(n) away some or all of his pain, I wish I could help in some way.” “I wish I had been able to do something more than just sit there and watch.” That really bothered me for so long; it was something that I thought about every single day at least once, if not more. It wasn’t until about a month ago that that thought became different. I had a GREAT talk with someone I love very dearly. J I don’t know what I would do without her! Something she told me that day goes into that REALLY big bucket of things that I don’t think I’ll ever forget. She said, “You know that you did everything you could, and you and I both know that your ^Granddaddy^ was so grateful for what you did do. Maybe what he needed from you was just to be there and hold his hand, I’m sure that helped more than you realize. And maybe that feeling you have inside, of wishing you could have done more, or could have lessened his pain, what if you have the wrong person in mind? God may be wanting to use you to help lessen your Grandmother’s pain, not your ^Granddaddy’s^. I’m not saying you are, but you may be letting your flesh get in the way of what your spirit is trying to do. Think about it, pray about it, and I’ll pray about it too.” I set a goal for myself that day, to put my flesh away and allow my spirit to lead. It’s something easier said than done, but I strive to do it every day!
I heard the song Temporary Home by Carrie Underwood for the first time a couple weeks ago and on my goodness it made me cry. But it is such an awesome song. It has a great reminder within the lyrics. The chorus goes, “This is my temporary home, it’s not where I belong, windows and rooms that I’m passin’ through, this was just a stop, on the way to where I’m going, I’m not afraid because I know, that this is my temporary home” Being a child of God means that our life on this earth will only last for a time, we were not created to be here forever. We were sent to earth to fulfill a specific purpose and after that purpose is filled God call us back Home. The part of the song that really got to me was the third verse. “Old man, hospital bed, the room was filled with people he loves, and he whispers don’t cry for me, I’ll see you all someday, he looks up and says “I can see God’s face’” Such a great song, but makes me cry every single time!!!
I have learned a lot over the past few months, and thought I would share a little with you. I know that I serve an AWESOME, MIGHTY, STRONG, and POWERFUL God, who loves me! I know that no matter what I go through in my life, He will always be there with me, and that I WILL make it through! Take life one day at a time, and with each breath remember to thank God. Because it is only because of Him that you have that breath!
On Sunday March 21, 2010 it will be the 3 month mark since my ^Granddaddy^ went to live with Jesus. Most days it feels like it has been centuries since I was able to see him, talk to him, or hold his hand; but there are days when it seems like only yesterday I was sitting up at the hospital in Gadsden right next to him. Holding his hand, watching him struggle and fight for every breath. My family and I had spent most of the days from the past few weeks up there, and we were all exhausted, yet somehow we found strength to make it through another day, to make another drive to Gadsden. GOD. As I sat in his hospital room that day with each passing second it felt like another part of me was being broken to pieces. And as the minutes turned to hours it took EVERYTHING I had in me to hold myself somewhat together. For some reason, I have no idea why, I have always felt that I HAD to be the strong one, because if I didn’t, then who would be? That’s silly, I know, but I really did think that. So whenever I would feel a tear sliding down my face I would brush it away quickly, hoping that no one would see. I sat next to his bed, with his hand in mine tracing his veins with my finger like I did when I was little; praying that God would hold me tight, keeping me from falling apart. As that afternoon made its way into evening my prayer changed in a way. I still needed God to hold me together, but I needed to feel His peace inside. Around 5ish that evening I started preparing myself to leave, I had this weird feeling in me I guess it was God telling me to say what I needed to say to my ^Granddaddy^ before I left that day. I didn’t want him to keep suffering, but I wasn’t ready to let go just yet. So when 5:30 rolled around, I knew I needed to leave so that I wouldn’t have to drive in a lot of traffic… I rubbed the back of his hand, leaned over and with tears streaming down my face I whispered, “I love you Granddaddy! We have each other; God’s going to get us through. You don’t have to hold on anymore, it’s okay for you to go, we will all be okay. I’ll see you again soon someday. I love you!” And whether it was just my imagination or it really happened, it felt like he, ever so gently squeezed my hand. I knew then that whatever the outcome I WOULD be okay. I had hope and I had peace. The drive home was mostly quiet with random outbursts of questions, like “Why, God? I don’t understand”… and others of that nature. It was quiet around our house that night. Somehow I managed to make myself eat a little something before I went to bed. I couldn’t fall asleep, so I was texting my cousin, Rhiannon for a long time then continued to just lay there. Around midnight I heard someone moving around in the kitchen or living room… then they came down the hall, that’s when my tears started again. Daddy opened my door and I knew before he even said anything, but he still said it anyway confirming what I had hoped to be a wrong feeling. Daddy, Momma, and I sat there on my bed hugging and crying. Momma rubbing my hair, and Daddy holding me tight. My brothers had stayed the night with my Grandmother. The next few days were very busy…
December 22 (Tuesday) was spent at my Grandparents’ house, with lots of family coming and going, people bringing food, and many phone calls. Even though there were lots of people in and out of the house, there was a noticeable quietness, and heaviness that seemed to be pressing down on us. We were looking through pictures looking for some to put on the remembrance c.d that was to be played during the viewing and funeral. I had so many things going through my head that day, I wanted to be by myself, but I didn’t want to be alone, I needed people around, but I didn’t want the attention or the “so sorry’s” that always come with the death of a person. I don’t mean to sound rude by saying this, but it’s just me… It kinda confuses me when people say, “I’m so sorry, I don’t know what to say” then keep talking for like 5 minutes about not knowing what to say. Personally I’d rather just have people around, willing to just sit with me, or hug me or something; you don’t have to say anything. Because to me, when someone grieves over the loss of a person there really isn’t anything anyone can tell them that will help or that they don’t already know. Maybe it’s just me, I don’t know but have you ever really thought about it? A person can come up with the most profound thing to say, or have the best intentions in the world, but I haven’t heard anything that brings much comfort that I didn’t already know. Again, not meaning to sound rude, that’s just me and how I feel about it. I find much more comfort in someone willing to just sit with me and hug me, cry with me, laugh with me… True comfort comes from the peace that God gives, and only when I feel that peace will I truly feel the comfort… December 23, another day spent at my Grandparent’s house, full of people coming and going, bringing food, cards, and phone calls. I spent most of that day praying asking God to give me the strength to make it through that night. The viewing was that night; our family met there that night and the looks on everyone’s face was uniquely the same. Walking into the room in the funeral home, and seeing ^Granddaddy^ just laying there, lifeless, but peaceful brought on the tears again. Standing there looking at him just lying in that “ole pine box” I knew that ^Granddaddy^ was finally Home, free from disease, hurt, pain, suffering, and was resting comfortably in the arms of The Healer! SO many people came that night, most of them I didn’t know, but I believe that everyone that came did so with love. Thanks to all those who made me smile, laugh, and cry that night, I really do appreciate it! When the last of the people left, and it was just family again, we just stood there in clusters of 2 or 3 with arms around each other. Breezy, Grandmother, and I were standing together tears in all 6 eyes… She hugged us both and then said the sweetest yet most heart breaking thing I think I have EVER heard!!! She said, “Can’t we take him with us? I just hate to leave him.” Tears streaming down her face, and her words very sincere and full of love. Whatever part of my heart that somehow managed to stay together, definitely broke into pieces then. Though, I’m sure when a couple has been married for 59 years it really would be hard for one to be away from the other… December 24, Christmas Eve, usually a day that anyone would be excited about though for us it was one filled with sadness, hurt, and many more tears. The small service at the church was pretty much packed with love, honor, and compassion for a man who touched many lives in his 81 years of life. And the grave side service was the second one I had ever been to, so it was a still new concept for me… December 25, Christmas Day, was as normal as we could get it considering the circumstances. In some ways it was like a normal Christmas day for us, filled with family time, going going going, smiles, and laughter. But it was also filled with a LOT of quiet moments that are very rare for our family. Even though it was very different, it was a good day overall…
I’ve been told, and I believe that I have been blessed with a passion and the heart to help people. I can’t stand to see people hurting, sad, sick, or suffering, it makes me hurt for them, especially someone that I love. I’ll do anything that I can to help someone. Something that I’ve only told one person, is that every day while ^Granddaddy^ was in the hospital, and every day after that I had this thought in my heart and in my mind. “I wish I could/could have take(n) away some or all of his pain, I wish I could help in some way.” “I wish I had been able to do something more than just sit there and watch.” That really bothered me for so long; it was something that I thought about every single day at least once, if not more. It wasn’t until about a month ago that that thought became different. I had a GREAT talk with someone I love very dearly. J I don’t know what I would do without her! Something she told me that day goes into that REALLY big bucket of things that I don’t think I’ll ever forget. She said, “You know that you did everything you could, and you and I both know that your ^Granddaddy^ was so grateful for what you did do. Maybe what he needed from you was just to be there and hold his hand, I’m sure that helped more than you realize. And maybe that feeling you have inside, of wishing you could have done more, or could have lessened his pain, what if you have the wrong person in mind? God may be wanting to use you to help lessen your Grandmother’s pain, not your ^Granddaddy’s^. I’m not saying you are, but you may be letting your flesh get in the way of what your spirit is trying to do. Think about it, pray about it, and I’ll pray about it too.” I set a goal for myself that day, to put my flesh away and allow my spirit to lead. It’s something easier said than done, but I strive to do it every day!
I heard the song Temporary Home by Carrie Underwood for the first time a couple weeks ago and on my goodness it made me cry. But it is such an awesome song. It has a great reminder within the lyrics. The chorus goes, “This is my temporary home, it’s not where I belong, windows and rooms that I’m passin’ through, this was just a stop, on the way to where I’m going, I’m not afraid because I know, that this is my temporary home” Being a child of God means that our life on this earth will only last for a time, we were not created to be here forever. We were sent to earth to fulfill a specific purpose and after that purpose is filled God call us back Home. The part of the song that really got to me was the third verse. “Old man, hospital bed, the room was filled with people he loves, and he whispers don’t cry for me, I’ll see you all someday, he looks up and says “I can see God’s face’” Such a great song, but makes me cry every single time!!!
I have learned a lot over the past few months, and thought I would share a little with you. I know that I serve an AWESOME, MIGHTY, STRONG, and POWERFUL God, who loves me! I know that no matter what I go through in my life, He will always be there with me, and that I WILL make it through! Take life one day at a time, and with each breath remember to thank God. Because it is only because of Him that you have that breath!
